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Ask Jane, Column 6

Hi Jane,

I am so glad that you joined URNOTALONE. I am a lifelong cross dresser, late fifties, with strong TS tendencies. I am an ex-military officer, work now for a large firm, and married to a wonderful woman who lets me dress as I need to. I wear panties daily, sometimes pantyhose, and I wear lingerie to bed every night, toenail polish always, and I Epilady my chest (ouch).

I find myself in a hyper-sexed state most of the time. If I am not reading about being TS, I am longing to be a woman. I have dressed and gone out, been involved with Tri-ess, and had sexual relationships with a TS and a very effeminate TV, entertaining oral, but no anal. I like giving head and could imagine being penetrated by another TV or maybe a man. I don't hate my cock, but I could certainly live without it; I hate the mound in my panties, so I gaff frequently. Sometimes I don't get out of the house early enough because I am dressed in panties, nylons, bra and heels ... I have to force myself to get out of that stuff so that I can concentrate and keep my mind open to making money and my family.

I spent 6 months in college dressed effeminately; after class I would put on makeup and skirt, blouse, bra and panties and my many pairs of shoes - I love heels. I was always trying different hairstyles, too. I feel that I would be very comfortable as a woman and when I was young I prayed everyday that I would become one, but as I got older, I have faced reality that I missed my chance.

I'm fascinated by men who look like women and can visualize myself looking like them, if I had just started earlier. I am really charged by stories about young men who were dressed up by their mothers/parents and, with her first sexual relationship, actually became a girl.

My question do I get relief from the almost continuous sexual urges so that I can concentrate on other things in life than being a woman? This hyper state takes (steals) my time until relief which may be 3-4 times a day...if you know what I mean.

Would hormones help stop the high tension associated with my urges to be female? I spend way too much time on the Internet in fantasy and trying to be my female self and not enough time being a real person. It seems to be getting stronger and I just want it to go away...please steer me in another direction...

Thanks for listening, Jane. I appreciate you.

Hi sweetheart,

Thanks for your candor; this is no middle-age crisis that will be fixed with a shiny red sports car; this is a life crisis. And clearly an issue that you need to find some peace around.

You say you feel you missed a window of opportunity for redirecting your gender and your life... why? Because of your age? Yes, at your stage in life you have a lot at stake, but there's no expiration date on being true to yourself.

Hormones won't fix your obsession ... they'd likely make it worse! Testosterone increases sex drive and estrogen will create feminine characteristics that will likely turn you on so much you'd never leave the house, for all the fun you'd be spending playing with your budding breasts.

Your hyper state is interfering with your life. I see two directions for you (URNA members may see others as well and I'd love to hear them), but first, in my opinion, you need to take more responsibility than you currently do for your present situation. I don't buy your assertion that your sexual urges "steal" your time. You're giving your time, pretty woman ... you're choosing to use your time this way. You're allowing your hyper-sexual tension to rule you and your time. Take ownership of that! There's no "easy fix" here, but you are truly stuck if you feel that your torturous situation is out of your control altogether.

Okay, as for the two directions I see your possibly taking:

First, as an ex-military guy, you know the value of discipline and you know it's possible to discipline yourself to a schedule ... Something like: you'll be OUT of your nightgown and lingerie by 0630 and will re-dress again at 1900 hours ... NO Internet during those twelve and a half hours ... not even to check e-mail - nothing - remember, NO Internet! .... No shopping ... No taking female clothes to the cleaners ... No selecting new toenail polish at the drugstore. From Revelry to Taps, nothing, nada, zip on the girly stuff.

I will admit that, for me, when it comes to using my internal disciplinarian to schedule myself, I rebel. I can only change my behavior if I truly want to ... I don't know how you're wired ... even ex-military men can be rebellious. Perhaps, like me, you need a more loving, spiritual path that achieves the same objective.

As an example of what I'm talking about, take something ridiculously simple, like cookies (I love cookies - all sweets, for that matter). If I did what I truly want to do, I'd eat cookies all day long. The reason I DON'T is not because I exert self-discipline (although others see it that way), but because of a very deep knowledge about myself: I destroy any spiritual serenity I might otherwise have when I eat with abandon. If I DO eat cookies all day long (I'm not perfect, you know) I'm making a choice NOT to be there for my children and husband. It's not about avoiding obesity, but rather about not wanting to enter a realm in which my life becomes a search for the next cookie. With any obsession, there's no such thing as "enough" ... for me, with my mental obsession over cookies or for you, dreaming constantly about your coulda-been, shoulda-been womanhood or a new friend you made on the Internet.

If you choose this path, you'll be accepting that the enormous challenge in your life is to reign in your obsession so that you can fully function as both man and woman. By surrendering to the truth about ourselves and our obsessions, we give up the 24-hour-a-day fight, and we gain a modicum of peace.

The second choice is to live full-time as a woman (with or without sexual reassignment surgery). I believe that if you could fully inhabit the side of yourself that pulls so strongly, you'd leave much of the conflict behind. A great deal of your sexual tension comes from the dichotomy of the male/female conflict you suffer every day. If you haven't yet seen the movie, Normal, please rent the DVD. It's about a man who, in midlife, finally accepts that what he needs is to become the woman he feels he was meant to be. This is an enormous decision, of course, and affects everyone in your life profoundly. Only you can know if this is the path you need to take. And, only you can accept the responsibility of making this - or any - decision.

Remember that choices are just that: choices. They are not about being a good person or bad person. Vital to any choices we make in life are three factors: knowing who we truly are (self-knowledge) ... that there are no easy answers ... and deep acceptance that both of these are true. Without such acceptance, we live in a state of denial ... and denial prevents our forward movement and personal growth.

Write me, please, as you go through the process. I'll e-mail you with any suggestions the URNA community offers.



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