He Wants to Suck Another CD's Penis
I've been a huge fan of yours for a long time and was even one of the participants in your "Lingerie Fetish Research" a few years ago; I truly enjoyed the experience of discussing the subject with you.
I have been crossdressing since I was 12 (I'm 41 now), and have still never shared this part of my life with anyone except you. My biggest fantasy during the course of my crossdressing life has always been to dress with another CD and then suck his cock. It truly is just about the cock, by the way. I have no interest in any other aspect of being with a man.
Over the years this fantasy has become more of a desire and/or urge than just a fantasy. Just the thought of seeing a bulging pair of silky panties staring me in the face, pulling them down, and taking their contents into my mouth...it's overwhelming sometimes.
My concerns are, first of all, the possible regrets of making my fantasy a reality. I have heard that some things are better left as just fantasies. I'm not sure if this falls into that category, because sometimes I feel like I will regret it if I never try it. I almost always think about it while masturbating, but now I even think about it during sex with women sometimes.
Having said that, I want to add that I think women are the most beautiful things on earth (probably why I like to try to look like one)!
Speaking of which ... I do have a girlfriend, and am thinking about telling her about my dressing. We've talked about moving in together, so I think that I would almost have to tell her if we end up doing that. She's made "joking" comments about me wearing her panties, so maybe she might be somewhat understanding...
My second concern about fulfilling my secret sucking-another-CD fantasy is that I'm afraid I will love it! I honestly don't think I'm gay. I don't find men even remotely attractive unless they are dressed like women - and even then it's only the penis inside women's panties that I'm interested in.
I guess finding someone I feel comfortable enough to do this with would be the big challenge. I chat with a lot of other CDs online, and have had "offers." A lot of times they start to get a little too pushy about meeting, so I back off. If you have any thoughts on how to go about finding the right partner for this, I'd love to hear it. Thanks, Jane.
Good morning, CS! Lovely to hear from you. Thanks for writing. Most excellent question you have and not an unusual desire you express. But your letter is dense with content, so let's take this one step at a time.
First of all, which fantasies are those "best left to fantasy"? Is there a registry somewhere that will tell which ones are and which ones aren't best left to fantasy?
Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide whether you need to enact your fantasy. I say go for it ... ! And so what if you really like it?? What's the most extreme downside of liking it? That you'll never bond with a woman, never get married? I don't think so ... I think you WILL bond with a woman and will get married, if that's what you want to do.
Your desire to suck another CD's pantied dick isn't necessarily a gay fantasy, darling ... it's more likely a narcissistic one. Let me explain ...
You are so turned on by yourself dressed en femme that the only thing you can imagine even more sexy is to have that image right in front of you, in all three dimensions, so that you can get into "her" panties and play ... It's almost like sucking your own cock, in a way.
As far as meeting another CD to enact your fantasy, share plenty of photos before you find yourself in a hotel room with some guy you don't want to touch.
The online possibilities, as you've found, are plentiful ... See what you might be able to cultivate there ... and, as you've been doing, trust your gut on these guys. The "right one" will come along eventually.
The bigger issue - the more pressing issue - is the fact that you and your girlfriend are moving in together. You didn't ask my advice about this, but I'm going to give it anyway: I encourage you to disclose your crossdressing to her before you two cohabitate (I repeat: before!).
Why is this important? Because trust is eroded when a man waits and waits and waits to tell his partner about himself. In addition, by waiting he feels guiltier and more and more shameful about the secrecy.
Also, telling her gives her credit for being able to "take" the news ... and shows that you have enough self-esteem to allow yourself to be fully seen by her. Plus, who knows ... she may love it.
Then again, she may not. Worst case, I assume you believe, is that she'll leave. But is that really the worst that could happen? What about a life spent in secrecy and shame? That sounds far worse. How could you truly enjoy a long-term relationship or marriage by keeping such a large part of yourself in the closet? Answer is, you couldn't ... if my volume of mail tells me anything, it's that men do not find happiness by keeping secrets.
So, please, tell her! And not in a guilty, I'm-mentally-ill sort of way! Just tell her ... and you might have Helen Boy's books "My Husband Betty" and/or "She's Not the Man I Married" handy to give her. These are sensitively written books that answer most questions wives of CDs have. Be strong and love thyself above all ... there's no better way to "sell" this aspect of yourself than by honoring yourself first and foremost.
By the way, your sharing yourself with your girlfriend and your desire to go down on another CD are not mutually exclusive. If your lady is into role play at all, you and she might have some sexy encounters with her in a strap-on tucked inside her panties and you on your knees ....
Best of luck; let me know of progress on both fronts, CS.
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