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Ask Jane, Column 18

Craving T-Girls

Dear Jane,

It's so great to see an advice area. I recently joined urnotalone, and would love to get your advice. I am a part time cross dresser, married. She found out, and after some long talks, decided to stay together. She has accepted this side, but only wants me to dress outside of the house. So, I often just go to the local hotel and dress.

Before she knew, I would only dress in the house, but since she knows, I feel very much free, and have gone to t-girl friendly places, and out in public. It's so refreshing and fills me with joy. My question or problem is that I have began friendly relationships with a few other t-girls, and recently had some after-club fun (just sharing oral). I feel guilty, but at the same time, cannot stop thinking about giving oral.

Should I continue in meeting up with other t-girls, or just stop cold turkey? I'm constantly thinking about other guys cocks, and dying to dress more often.

Thanks for any thoughts and advice.

Hi, sweetie,

Thanks for writing. Isn't it great to live an open, honest life with a woman who loves you? You must be so very happy about your wife knowing and understanding your need to dress.

Unfortunately, you're finding that just dressing is not enough to truly satisfy you. You also want to explore sexual relationships with the t-girls you're meeting. Fidelity can be a drag, especially when your (genetically female) partner lacks the goods you're fantasizing about. Also, you've discovered t-girls are like potato chips: it's tough to eat just one.

Consider your current situation in reverse. Say your wife liked to dress in men's clothes and frequent lesbian bars. Say, too, that she engaged in "friendly" "after-club fun" of "just" oral sex while with other women. And say she fantasized "constantly" about giving/receiving this pleasure with women she met while dressed.

Would you rather she keep this information to herself, or share it with you? Put another way: Would you rather live not knowing (either about her behavior or the dread diseases she might be dragging home)? And would you be satisfied in this marriage long-term suspecting her fantasies lie in the snatch of other women?

You have the best of both worlds right now: All the freedom to go out and party with your t-friends and a stable, apparently loving and tolerant relationship at home as well. What's not feeling so free is your conscience and sense of integrity. The very reason you've felt so comfortable and happy with dressing in hotel rooms and going out with your friends is that you and your wife agreed to this. The reason you don't feel so great now is because you're keeping secrets. Ultimately you'll find that it's not the secrets that hurt your partner, but your dishonesty.

Yes, the price you pay of telling your wife might be enormous: you might be thrown out on your ear, lonely for the steady love and warm bed she gave you. Or she might be the exceptional woman who understands and grants the freedom you feel you need. Or, in telling, you might feel free, truly yourself, and deeply happy for the first time in your life -- regardless of which action she takes.

It's almost always better to feel good about ourself than to just feel good. So I hope you tell. But only you can ultimately choose which path to take., love.

Jane

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