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Ask Jane, Column 20

Deciding Not To Cross-Dress

Hi Jane,

I desperately need your help. For over 20 years I have been a closet TV. In all that time I have not needed to share this. However, I suffer tremendous guilt. I just feel it's wrong. So last year I made the decision to stop dressing. I threw away all my clothes.

However, a couple of weeks ago I couldn't resist the urge to dress. But more worrying for me is that I cannot stop thinking about getting a guy to fuck me. I have even tried to make contact. So far nothing has happened. Even although I have very strong desire to find someone, I am terrified that I would like it and become addicted to anal sex. I know I would enjoy it as for several years I used a dildo on myself and that was enough to cause me to ejaculate.

I am so afraid of hurting my family and friends who know nothing of my cross-dressing. I am also a Christian and this makes it impossible to reconcile with God. I sin every time I have these naughty thoughts and more so when I act them out by dressing. This is a large reason why I struggle, that coupled with my girlfriend being a devout Christian - the horror she would feel if she knew. I need to resolve my struggle somehow.

But I ache … and continually fantasize about looking gorgeous in my little black dress and shiny lingerie and being penetrated sensually in my anus. I almost cum at the thought as I write this.

I have been on a chat room recently and met a girl three hours' drive from me and she seems really lovely. I will see if anything develops.

Seems so strange that in my she-male persona I can talk totally openly with you, a complete stranger. I have confessed to you my innermost feelings and I cannot thank you enough for your very warm, loving and pragmatic advice. I wish I could give you a very, very big hug and kiss.


My plea to you is for some advice as to how I can stop. Any advice would be great.

Suffering

Darling,

We can't "will" away our desires ... we just can't. If it were as simple as "deciding" something, all the chubby people in America would decide to stick to their diets and we'd all be slender. And every cross-dresser who threw out his clothes would never ever again think about dressing.

But look around: we're a nation of fatties. And I've never known a purging CD who hasn't eventually replaced his wardrobe … often, many times over.

It's a primal urge you have ... no one knows exactly where the desire some men have to wear women's clothing comes from -- and no one knows how to permanently rid a person of innate desire.

To tame the beast of desire, resolve to accept instead of quit. Which is a tall order, because our acceptance of desires we think we shouldn't have takes a lot of soul-searching and behavior modification.

Acceptance doesn't mean losing control and allowing your desires to run rampant; acceptance only allows enough peace of mind so that you can learn to manage them. You'll find a happier existence, love, if you 1) accept your need to cross, 2) accept yourself for doing so, and 3) learn to manage it.

As you know, we're programmed early in life determines our attitudes and beliefs. To me, our backsides are just another, um, route to pleasure. To you, anal sex is the autobahn to damnation. Nothing I say will resolve your ongoing internal struggle.

But tension – and guilt - between "good" and "evil" can heighten sexual arousal; your furtive, ongoing struggle may be adding an extra inch to your dick. How social and religious suppression and judgment throw oil on the fire of desire!

Ironically, the activities we feel most shameful about are the very ones we feel compelled to do. Shame and guilt fuel all manner of lust – for food, drugs, and sex (including, for some, conventional sex). Naughtiness fuels compulsion. When we tame the shame, the urge often lessens. However, please understand, sweetheart, that the desire is unlikely to leave you entirely or forever.

Cross-dressers often mistakenly believe they're "cured" when they fall in love and for a time don't have the urge to dress - which is one reason many don't tell women they marry about their cross-dressing past. Almost invariably, though, after the blush of new love fades, her angora sweater starts calling ….

Getting to acceptance is not easy. And it's not an event but a process. For example, I've struggled all my life with a desire to overeat; sometimes I lie in bed at night longing to be eating! I'd be waddling around today if I hadn't taken steps many years ago to accept my enormous appetite and feed it in moderation. Letting go of the shame I had around eating very large quantities (and guilt I suffered afterward) contributed to my acceptance of this strange, socially unacceptable behavior.

My advice is to allow yourself to dress and anally penetrate yourself on a regular basis as you pray to your higher power for self-acceptance.

"Regular basis" means in moderation. Don't let these activities overtake your life. How will you know whether they are?

If you're skipping work, eschewing friends, cheating on and lying to your girlfriend, or spending all your free time dressing, in chat rooms, and/or having sex online or with yourself, it's becoming an issue.

Accept yourself and your appetites, love, and indulge in moderation. For this is the surest path to being set free….

Jane

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