Dating a T-Girl
This is a Joint Article that was written with Siegfried Heydrich
Recently I have been corresponding with a wonderful man in Florida. Over the past few weeks that we have gotten to know each other I have been constantly impressed by his kindness and love for girls like us. He has written a very insightful article, one of many that I would like to share with you men and women out there. Siegfried is the kind of man you should be listening to when you’re here in search of love. Sieggy is a gentleman from the old school who knows how to treat women and has a lot of experience with dating and relationships with girls like us. He recently has begun a new relationship with Jamie a very nice girl from URNA which just goes to show that you can find what you’re looking for here if you really want to. One thing you need to know is Sieggy is a little gruff but he has a definite grasp of what you need to think about when you decide to date one of us. I am very grateful to have met Baron Siegfried Heydrich and thank him so much for loving us.
With that please allow him to regale you with a sonnet worthy of any would be knight.
This is Sieggy’s story::
I’ve been following threads and laments regarding relationships, and the difficulties that T*Girls encounter in trying to get and maintain a relationship. Having a bit of experience in this matter, here’s my two groats. This isn’t just for the girls – guys need this too. Before I begin, these are my opinions, nothing more. Please note that many of the members of this list are uniquely qualified to speak from both sides of the dating spectrum. Before bemoaning your experiences en femme, pray consider some of your own actions at home. You might just be reaping a bit o’ karma.
A lot of what I’m reading is actually the same for GGs and TG’s and pretty much everybody else, too. There is much grumbling about jerks who just want to get in your panties, get their rocks off and then vanish. Or the ones who’ll build you up, set a date, and then vanish. Or try to run through the dating / marriage / divorce sequence on line in only a month. Or the cyber-stalkers, who are just a royal pain, and pretty damn scary, too. One thing you have to bear in mind is that the internet has brought out a lot of people who use it to get REAL close to whatever they’re fantasizing about. Then they lose their nerve at the last minute. Or they live torrid ‘almost’ affairs, where they never really meet you. They prefer to wank to the imaginings of what they WOULD have done with you had you actually met them. Those are the ones whose profile descriptions wildly differ from their actual form, by and large. Their failure to connect is their problem not yours.
I hate to say it, but the best way to make sure a guy shows up is to get him to pay for the room up front, and offer to pay for half when you get there. Get the name the reservation is under, then call the motel to see if the room is paid for and occupied. If it’s not, he ain’t going to show, and you’ve saved a trip. If it is, then he’s damn well going to show, if only to get his money’s worth out of the room. My friends, that’s everywhere in the dating scene. Gay, straight, everywhere.
It sure sounds like the normal hazards of dating to me. Sorry, but ya gots ta kiss a lot o’ toads before ya gets a prince. Given that a vast majority of relationships that begin on the internet, consider the anonymity of it. On-line relationships are just a fantasy until personal contact is made. Before that, you’re a conception expressed in words. A description, no more, no less. For all you know it may be as truthful as a tabloid expose’. Check out their profile. If there isn’t one, or it’s all blank, that’s a very bad sign. Look for pics, Recent pics. A pic of him standing next to his old ’72 Gremlin don’t cut it. If how they describe themselves is different from their pics, that’s another bad sign. Google them. You don’t want to be paranoid, but you do want to be careful. Look to see if he has ads up on other pickup groups, clubs, or sites. If you find out he’s married, then it’s up to you decide how you want to deal with it.
Listen to your gut. If something doesn’t ring true, back off. Keep in mind that some research university trained a gorilla to cruise the net, which is a really scary notion. Magilla Gorilla certainly isn’t going to introduce himself as such, and you’ll always have this nagging suspicion about who’s really on the other end unless you can cam one another. The internet tends to compress distance tremendously. You may find yourself simpatico with someone on the other side of the country or the world. That can be really frustrating unless you’re wealthy enough to just pop over there whenever you want to. Keep in mind that the farther a person is from you, the less likely it is that you will actually ever meet. It can happen, but……
You can chat or webcam back and forth, but long distance, on-line romances tend to be more exercises in longing and frustration than anything else. Don’t count on them developing into anything substantial, even though it certainly has happened in the past. The odds just aren’t very good. Follow your heart, and by the way this is an all-gender issue, what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
Phone relationships are generally pretty awkward, Unless you already know one another fairly well. It’s very easy to have misunderstandings on the phone between strangers. Even if they don’t want to be strangers any more. Sometimes people click over the phone, and sometimes they don’t. Another dating hazard everyone has to deal with is When you meet. You can begin to really get to know one another, especially if it’s not sex. Being able to speak socially to a person for 10 minutes will tell you more about them than endless hours in front of a keyboard. You can read a person far better than a screen name. Especially since you have no way of knowing weather what you’ve been told is true or not.
If you’re meeting for the first time, take basic precautions. Meet someplace safe where others are around. Your friendly local gay bar or a discreet bistro is a great choice. Don’t get rushed. Make sure someone knows where you’ve gone, and tell somebody what’s going on. Don’t let being horny override any little alarm bells going off. Don’t get drunk or high the first time out with ’em. It makes YOU way too vulnerable by shutting down all those little alarm bells. Be truly comfortable with them before deciding to get intimate. You don’t want to transfer command & control functions to the battle bridge quite yet. Keep an eye on your drink at all times, I’m hearing of more and more cases of girls being surreptitiously drugged and abused.
Before getting started, make sure that you’re in a safe place. Anywhere that the cops will have to bust through a locked door to see you is a good choice. Parked cars don’t count. Be sure you’re both using protection, and be sure you both understand whose juices go where. Then get down on your knees and do your sluttish best!
You need to consider a few things about a lot of the guys looking to date you. The only experience most guys you’ll run into on the net have with T*girls is stroking off in front of their computer, videos, DVD’s, magazines, and chat rooms. All of these have gorgeous models, Playboy centerfold quality in most cases. That’s the fantasy. Gorgeous, inviting woman with a big, aroused cocks. It’s as if they have lived in an all boys school all of their lives, their only view of women is coming from porn. We all know that’s not reality, though they have no way of knowing it or they don’t want to. Another issue is that most of ’em don’t know a CD from a TV from a TG from a drag queen. There’s a spectrum there they have no idea exists. You’re a chick with a dick, and that is all that is important to him. They will expect you to be as gorgeous, horny, and mindless as the gurls on these sites. This is where a lot of problems develop. They expect you to be what porn sites have led them to believe you to be. This might be you, but you can’t build a lasting relationship on that basis. A short, intense one certainly isn’t out of the question though, or even a bad thing.
Let’s face it, 90% of the Gurls on the list aren’t as good looking as the models on the porn sites. You’re human. You can’t spend thousand dollars and innumerable hours looking just perfect and silicone isn’t cheap. You can’t get retouched or computer enhanced, and neither can any other GG out there. There are certain physical differences between GGs and TG’s, all of which every T*girl is painfully aware of. These are differences that some guys will have trouble dealing with. Not the plumbing, of course, but things like voice, bone structure, size, etc, which are not what they expected. Something else that adds another level of difficulty is the fact that about the only place to physically meet T*girls is gay bars. This presents a problem for the ones who are just scared shitless of going into a gay bar.
It’s always the same dumb questions to. What if someone sees me going in there? What if somebody hits on me? What if I run into someone I know? Now add in the crappy lighting in most clubs. Have you ever hit on a lesbian by accident? The feeling of isolation and paranoia that comes from knowing that you’re a lot more appealing to the guys there than they are to you. It’s funny the number of guys who lust after dickgirls but are deathly afraid of being seen as gay.
Then you have the other end of the spectrum. Some guys seek T*s as an outlet for latent homosexuality. One of the benchmarks you can use to determine this is if they want you to fuck them. Those guys are in the closet far deeper than you’ve ever been. Not being judgmental, but it’s a simple fact. If you’re a girl, just tell ’em that girls don’t use their clitties for that. Unless Of course you do, in which case you might want to reflect on your own orientation. These are the guys most likely to vanish after a single encounter. Most guys simply want to walk on the wild side, at least once. To live out a fantasy. That’s what keeps the escort businesses going. Nothing wrong with that, obviously.
For every guy who musters up the courage to ask a T*girl out for a date, there are a hundred who stroke off in solitude. Simply taking that first step moves them ahead of the wanking pack by definition. Yes, there are some very nice guys out there but you need to bear in mind that they’re taking a pretty big step themselves. The overwhelming majority of guys just want a one night stand, no matter what they say on the net. They will go home terrified that their wives, girlfriends, co-workers, the bowling league, or their mommies will ever find out that they had a dick in their mouths. Once the fantasy is fulfilled, they’ll keep it as a fond memory, and that’s it. They will go home take a shower, and dream about it. Most of them will anyway, thank god, NOT all of them.
Some will, having once tasting forbidden fruit, return for more. Some will see you as a person, not just a fantasy. Some will appreciate you for who you are, not what you are. Some will have the courage to reach out to you, to touch your heart. Some will even have the courage to allow you to touch theirs. Those are the ones with whom you can actually have a relationship with. Just like everybody else in the dating world. It all comes down to personal chemistry, I believe. No matter who you are, what you are, it ultimately comes down to two souls relating. Everything else is just gloss and plumbing. If sex is in the crotch, and gender in the brain, then the groove is in the heart.
If you’re wanting to do 24/7 with a man, or have a true relationship, you have to be someone with whom he won’t be embarrassed to be seen with in public. I don’t mean to be harsh, but if you look like Danny DeVito, you have a problem. It’s one that can be overcome though. Commitment is an issue also. Not to him, but to the Path. If you’re unsure of your commitment to womanhood, how can you commit to a relationship? A guy can’t commit if the person he’s committing to is unsure of herself. If you get a wild hair and do a purge, where does that leave him? How will he react to you dressed as a boy, or will he ever even see you that way? Confidence is an issue. If you’re a woman in your heart, you’ll carry yourself as one. That is the essence of passing in life and to living the feminine role in a relationship. That’s the key to passing. If you’re hesitant and unsure of yourself, people will pick up on that like sharks smelling blood. If you move with confidence and ease, you won’t get a second look. The guy must have confidence in himself as well, and be able to shrug off the aspersions and comments made against his own sexuality by others.
Courage is an issue too. How will you deal with your fear of discovery, how far in the closet your are. How far are you willing to go to be who you are. Can you deal with introducing him to your family? Can he introduce you to his family? How far is the guy willing to go, as well? The most crucial issue of all is honesty. A married man is not going to leave his wife and kids for you. That’s a lesson learned by disillusioned women every day of the year. Keep that in mind if you’re only meeting in motels when his wife is away. You don’t have a relationship, you have an affair. Nothing wrong with that, but don’t expect it to blossom. If you’re in the closet and he’s doing a sneak, you have something based on deception right from the get-go. It’s doomed by definition if what you’re looking for is something long term. A married man who misrepresents himself to get a piece of ass is the kind of person that needs to be exposed for what he is, a cad. If he tells you he’s going to give up everything to be with you, raise an eyebrow and be wary.
It needs to be both ways. You need to have a realistic awareness of what your relationship is. The closet looms large over all of it. One night stands are common, and can be a lot of fun. If your relationship is simply a sexual one, enjoy it. If you’re expecting more, then be honest with your partner up front. If they get nervous and back off, then at least you know before investing too much emotional baggage. If they respond, then play it by ear from there. Keep in mind that it takes a lot for a guy to effectively come out and have a real relationship, where you go out & about just like everyone else. It’s a lot more than just meeting in motel rooms. While it’s not as life wrenching an experience as the transition is, it’s still a major step for a straight guy to be open and out. He’ll have to be able to deal with the fallout when word of your condition spreads. Someone, somewhere will read you, bet on it. I still have people I know who are convinced I’m gay because my late wife was a pre-op. Even though guys just flat don’t do a thing for me the reputation, such as it is, remains. As far as I’m concerned, the people I care about understand, and everyone else can go to hell.
Simple fear is a major hurdle too. Either he can deal with it or he can’t. On the flip side, I’ve dated T*girls that wouldn’t or couldn’t leave the sanctuary of gay bars. Even though they were quite passable, their lack of confidence kept them from the mainstream of life. I took one girl to a Christmas party, and she was so stressed I was afraid she was going to stroke out. We left early, to go back to the gay bar. It’s hard to build a life together under those conditions. Speaking from experience, a relationship where you live as a male 5 days a week, dressing only on the weekends is a killer emotionally. Once you get on HRT, there’s the hormonally induced emotional roller coaster as well. Being alone at that time is nothing short of awful. Relationships are difficult enough as it is. Add in the inherent stresses that come with the simple fact that you’re doing something that society has a lot of problems dealing with, and it’s an uphill battle. It is a battle you can win though, if you keep the faith. If you don’t give up, and if you don’t get bitter, it can happen. Transition is a path best trod with a partner, and I do think there’s someone for everyone.
You have to keep your eyes open and not be a chump. I’ve seen an awful lot of T*girls in relationships with abusive, parasitic, and absolutely useless substance dependent toads who treat them like dirt. You need to keep your eyes open. There are pimps who prey on T*girls, working their vulnerabilities like a violinist. These kind of leeches will latch onto you and feed from you till you’re a dry, broken husk. After that they will leave and move on to fresh prey.
The first big danger sign is when it starts costing you to be around this person. Look at where your money’s going, and then have a harder look. Especially if drinking, drugs, personal loans, or mysterious and unexplained cash is missing. This can play a major factor in said cash outflow. You can always do better.
Second is your consumption of mind altering substances around this person. If you’re normally sober, and wind up getting drunk and/or high whenever you’re around them, it bears looking into.
The third REALLY big danger sign is if/or when he wants you to fuck other guys. The first time you do, you’ve established your relative positions.You are now his whore and he is your pimp. Once this happens it gets progressively difficult to break away. Being a whore sounds like a great fantasy, but the reality is vastly different. If you get into this situation, it can get very nasty very quickly. Don’t even bother with the police, they’re worse than useless in situations like this. However, in such situations, remember that while friends will help you move, real friends will help you move bodies.
You should never put up with violence, at least not towards you. Don’t be afraid to deck some jerk who’s getting out of line. Remember, beneath that sweetly demure feminine exterior is a male skeleton, and musculature, with the ability to pump enough testosterone and adrenaline into your system to make you a LOT more dangerous than the average GG. T*girls don’t just bitch slap. The first time he hits you, you need to put your arms around his neck, smile sweetly, look him in the eye, knee him in the balls. Take off one of your high heels off, and beat the yellow dogshit out of him with it. Then show him the door with your other high heel planted up his ass. Then call a lawyer and get a restraining order if needed, and be sure to let all his friends know that a sissy T*girl just kicked his butt.
One misconception that a lot of these fellows have is that because you’re in transition, you’ve become passive and submissive in all respects. That you are just waiting to be thrilled and dominated by a manly man. That might be your trip, but T*girls have lives that have to go on just like everyone else. Most are certainly not going to drop everything they ever were to be his girly-girl. Nor are they going to give up a lifetime of conditioning, at least not all at once.
People tend to confuse femininity with weakness. Hah! A T*girl has to be strong simply to persevere in her transition. Resisting all of the pressures that are brought to bear on her to force her back into the socially acceptable mold. If guys take no other message from this post, it should be that T*girls are far stronger than you think, and by treating them poorly it can be a serious and potentially painful mistake.
In the final analysis, if a T*girl is a woman in her heart, I believe she’ll eventually attract a man or a woman, for that matter. Someone whom she can live with in happiness. You need to remain open and hopeful though. If you become hard and bitter, and someone does come along, you can’t or won’t be able respond. Don’t lose hope, don’t give up, don’t give in.
Now, a quick note to the guys out there. A T*girl is like any other girl. Girls of all persuasions like presents. They like being pampered. They like going out and doing nice things. They like being cherished and loved by a sweet and generous man. Some guys are, to put it very bluntly, cheap bastards. A guy who thinks that a date consists of a Motel 6, a pizza, a 6 pack, and a porno probably won’t get a first date. He most certainly won’t get a second! Guys, if you’re going to court a T*girl, do it right. Don’t assume that a TG has any lower expectations than a GG. You get out of a relationship what you put into it. N’uff said. Now, having said that, you need to recognize that T*girls come with their own unique set of stresses and conditions. Passability is an issue. Some are, some are not, and never will be no matter what. Then again if Julia Child could pass, and Roseanne can, anyone can.
This is a Joint Article that was written with Siegfried Heydrich
With love,
If you have a suggestion for a topic you would like to see addressed feel free to write me through my profile on URNA. Also, feel free to Post and Comments below. If you would like to know more about me or are just curious don’t be shy, reply.