Dancing With Myself
Around 1000 BC David met Goliath at the battle of Socoh in Judah. Saul and the other Israelites were facing the massive Philistine army in a pitched battle. Twice a day for forty days Goliath, the champion of the Philistines, would come out from between the lines and challenge the Israelites to send a champion of their own to decide the outcome of the battle by single combat. Regrettably Saul and all the other Israelites were too afraid to accept Goliaths challenge. The young child of the servant named Jesse the Bethlehemite was present, and at the time he was bringing food for his older brothers. He was told that Saul had promised to reward any man who could defeat the Philistine champion. David declared that he was not afraid to accept this challenge. When Saul hears of this young boy volunteering to face Goliath, Saul reluctantly agreed. Saul offered this small child his armor believing he would be quickly dispatched without it. David declined the offer in favor of his sling, and five stones that he picked from a nearby brook.
When David and Goliath confronted each other, Goliath with his armor and shield-bearer, David with only his staff and sling. Each army watched intently expecting victory. Goliath the Philistine champion cursed David by his gods, and David replied with "On this day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down, and cut off your head". David quickly struck Goliath with a stone from his sling, and the Philistine fell on his face as he hit the ground. David quickly seized the sword of the giant, and killed him by cutting off his head. The Philistines were so shook up after watching a child defeat their champion that they fled the battlefield with the Israelites in pursuit. Saul was very impressed by David so he sent his servant Abner to inquire as to just whose son it was that had routed the Philistines, and killed their champion. Abner brought David before Saul, who then asked whose son he was, and that's when Saul discovered that this young boy was merely the son of another servant.
How many of you, my wonderful readers can imagine or even comprehend that amount of exemplary courage? The absolutely unbelievable amount of bravery needed for David to volunteer and face Goliath alone is pretty impressive. This servant boy with no real fighting skill was willing to do what the legion of warriors behind him would not. He stepped forward, and was willing to face the fearsome Goliath alone. David became a champion, and a hero to others for standing tall and accepting a monumental challenge. He was not ashamed to admit who he was nor was he afraid to be in the spotlight. He did not cower in a dark ally and hope to ensnare Goliath, he walked proudly forward and faced him.
Today ladies we won't be sitting here on our soft and comfy couch with our hot chocolate. I'm going to abandon you wonderful ladies this month. That's right girls, today I'm going out on the town. Don't worry girl's we'll talk later, but it's far too important this time so I will be driving downtown for a meeting. Yes I'm going to come back later, but I do need to get all dolled up right now. Oh, and yes ladies I will be wearing my highest and most incredibly seductive CFMP's!!
My little misadventure will actually be quite simple, and it's going to be delightfully direct too. This month I'm going to be strutting into the boardroom uptown, and firmly placing my well manicured long red nails on the silky smooth table and getting right in front of the man on top. Sheathed only in my most chic, the most oh my god do I look sexy in white power suit. That's right girls it's HIS turn for a little dalliance of digital drama. Unfortunately for him he won't be able to focus on my pouting red lips or the ample curve of my bosom. I'm sure your wondering why on earth I would want to do that. What would posses me to venture to the top floor, well its all for the boys this time.
That's right guy's my sights are on you this time so you had better pay attention and quit trying to look down my blouse. I know it's really tight, and I also know you can see the gentle curve of my pendulous breasts. However I'll slap you into next week if you keep staring at me like that. Perhaps there is a time, and if I like you certainly a place for that later; but you really need to listen to what I have to tell you right now!
Fella's, I'm utterly fed up with your lack of chivalry, and your insecure cowardice.
That's right, I said it.
There is not one single woman on this site who came here for the sole purpose of satisfying your pitiful and totally selfish needs. If you really want to capture my attention or the attentions of any of the other totally fabulous, glamorous, intelligent, and incredibly brave girls here you had better put forth the effort to do it. We are not pawns, we are queens.
Suffer no delusions boy's, I am a very strong, brave, and mature woman just like every other delightfully incredible woman here.
Do we absolutely love to be spoiled rotten, and treated like daddy's little princess? Certainly. Will we work harder than nearly any woman alive to be the smoking hot, femme fatale of your deepest, darkest fantasy? OH YESSSS! Will we do our absolute best to be that sweet -n- sultry sex kitten; the totally gorgeous piece of arm candy that is the envy of all your buddies? Honey you know it! Yes honey we'll get larger implants, pillow soft lips, dye our hair, you name it, as big as you want. We can be the most seductive women you can imagine but you had better be ready to pay for it. We certainly have paid a very high price already. We wasted half of our lives being unhappy while trying to fit in and are spending the rest of it happy with or without you!
Every day countless women in America and abroad are forced to face Goliath and his army alone. Every morning and each night millions of tears are shed for those that have fallen before us as we fight for acceptance, and respect, simply for our choice to be happy instead of miserable. Like David we step forward and face unending ridicule, and many times our own horrific self doubt. It's a very lonely and quite often extremely painful journey to transform from the simple and quite bland caterpillar into the intoxicating and exotic butterfly.
Gentlemen there is something you really need to know, something that you better try very hard to understand. Every girl that decides to transition risks everything, our jobs our family, our sanity, and yes even our health. We falter continually as we desperately try to become what we should have always been. Many of us crumble under the pressure, we endure the loss of close friends who couldn't keep going. We have spent our entire lives being merely servants to society and trying to go unnoticed. Nobody ever asked if we had the courage to step forward and accept the challenge, or if we would be the champion for others.
Most of the men that are drawn to us either don't care or just don't know how huge this decision is. All you can see is a girl with something extra and that's about it. As long as we are willing to fulfill your needs or let you have some kinky fun why should you care. Trust me on this, I see these would be Romeo's every single night that I do a show or go to the Village. For those of us who live, work, and have immersed ourselves in our new role it's incredibly tough. We are the ones who step forward and become the lightning rods for the community. We take the brunt of the ridicule and utterly ridiculous comments of these less than admirable would be admirers.
Each time one of us puts a video on the Internet, or shares a story, or some thought on a blog somewhere, we are making that first step toward being someone's champion. Each time we venture out the front door we are willing to face down an unrelenting army of Goliath's that so few can comprehend or understand. The sad part is that our battle does not end in days or even months. It takes years and years of struggle before we can even begin to see the hope of victory. We spend fortunes to become the visions of absolute yummy that can be found here. For girls like us facing each sunrise can be sheer terror. Every day we have to work harder and put such an incredible amount of effort into our appearances; far greater than the average woman. Some of us are blessed with a petite body or features, and can blend in easily with little or no notice; the rest of us really have to work at it. We are saddled with gigantic medical bills and months of physical and emotional recovery from all the various medical procedures we endure. We have tremendous expenses, and costs associated with our path to match our bodies to our brains.
As technology has increased and our ability to connect with each other has grown. We have finally assembled our own wonderful army though. Some of us are willing to step forward into the light and brave the taunts of the Philistines and yet others are content to remain just out of view in our ranks. For better or worse we march forward to our own small yet glorious victories. Each of us does our absolute best to be the most delightful woman we can be in our own very special way. We share our stories, and our secrets to success. We trade our tip's, and techniques, we brave the shopping malls, and the restaurants fearlessly. We are constantly looking for, and seeking the slightest validation. In essence every day we walk out the front door we are facing tremendous opposition all alone, but we still have the courage to stand tall and show no fear.
As many of you know every few weeks I go to the Village Station. I usually spend most of my time sitting at Stacy's bar chatting with Jay about all the hot guys that neither of us is going home with. As perverse as it sounds it's a lot of fun chiding each other all night long. Occasionally we sit and laugh at the silly poltroons who follow me around all night long, it's like I'm the pied piper or something. A few nights ago Jay, one of my girlfriends, and I were there after I had done a show and we were just giggling away like a bunch of adolescent teens who had sucked up way too much helium. It was nearly two in the morning and this fairly well dressed guy walks up and asked what I was doing. Well I may have had a few martini's, but I certainly wasn't that besotted, and this guy was totally sober. Oddly enough that is usually the case; these "admirer's" never show up early, and never want to spend any money or any time on us either.
He starts to waffle a little as he tries to work up enough courage to give me his best 2AM seduction before he wandered home. So here he is walking towards the door and I'm just his last attempt to score for the night. Yes fella's, that's right he was walking out the door and tried to pick me up on the way out. I did not nor has any other woman here gone through everything we have to be reduced to something so cheap and tawdry. Fortunately she and Jay immediately came to my rescue. Jay let him know that he had better not bother me and she pointedly asked him what his intentions were. She also asked him if he just expected it for free or if he was at least going to buy me a drink first. I will admit that I was totally embarrassed at that point because its not very often that a guy tries to seduce me who has shoes that cost over five dollars and actually combed his hair that day.
I can only presume I appeared just drunk enough to accept his pointless offer to buy me a drink. I guess he must not have noticed the 42 inch plasma TV that was just slightly two feet above my head flashing "Liquor Service has Ended". It should have been incredibly obvious to him, Oh well. Guys you just don't know how completely moronic this is. Trust me when I say this; following a girl around and staring at her all night long just creeps her out!! Offering to buy her a drink when you know you can't is pathetic. It didn't take my friends very long before they ran him off with his tail between his legs like a wounded puppy. Not really a profile of courage is it? A real man would have offered to buy me breakfast instead! If he really wanted me he would have endured the slight resistance offered by those that actually do care about me. He would have summoned up the courage to stay and fight for me. It's ok though because I know his type, I see his kind roll in at 2am every night looking to score with the girls who are to intoxicated to resist.
On a different night some guy actually propositioned me on the sidewalk as I was going home. As he stood there leaning against the wall, too lazy to even stand up straight. I could feel his beady little eyes rolling over my awesome curves. He casually implied his offer to give me what I wanted? He even had the decency to tell me we could go do it in his car, golly, WHAT an offer that was. So I pressed him for details right there, I just simply asked him point blank to say it, right there on the sidewalk. I wanted him to admit it in front of his friend who was slowly sulking away in embarrassment. Well it took him at least ten minutes to actually admit what he wanted, it's not like I didn't know already at that point. He hemmed and hawed about everything but just couldn't admit he wanted to sleep with me. I just wanted to hear him say it, but he just couldn't. This colossal jerk was just to embarrassed or scared to not only admit his desires but was totally unwilling to do anything but expect me to just put out. He sure wasn't too scared to walk up to me on the street though. It's just another occasion that some cowardly fossil sauntered up and laid his most lame and ineffective attempt at seduction on me. Needless to say he did not get what he bargained for. Just another profile of courage from a would be Romeo.
Honestly, I really hate having more courage than the boys who want me. It's so infuriating to listen to men go on endlessly about how tough they are and yet they still lack the bravery to ask me to go on a real date. Most of the time they just watch me from afar or stop me on the street as I walk to my car, Ughhh!! Guys if your goal is to seduce one of us then you really need to grow up and quit being so afraid. Confidence is a huge turn on, weakness and cowardice is not.
Each and every day I have to go the extra mile to look as feminine, appealing, and utterly delightful as possible. My days are long and the pain and self doubt is an immense crushing weight on my soul. Our own self analysis and introspection is never ending. Every time we are in public if we notice the slightest flaw we cringe as we pray nobody else did. Our quest for beauty and a positive self image is longer and more difficult than any other woman's because we get to do it twice. That's right we spend half our life trying to prove our worth as one person only to finally accept that it's a pantomime and a silly facade. Then we get to start all over and relearn everything in life; and then we face discrimination and vitriolic hatred on a scale that is beyond your imagination.
For many of us each day is a struggle. We face uncertain and often unknown challenges and quite often our adversaries are totally invisible. Our lives are filled with a seemingly unending river of pain and suffrage. Many times we live horrific lives filled with drugs and prostitution just to feel some amount of closeness. Some small taste; if only briefly, of another's appreciation or a warm embrace. We girls go through all of this, we work towards a goal we may never reach and the best you can do is hide behind fake photos or an empty profile. You follow us or you solicit us on the street because you're to cheap or cowardly to ask us out on a real date. Go home and play with yourself honey you are never going to be able to play with me.
No matter where we are or what our stage of transition is we have to do it on our own. Some girls are lucky and have accepting families or friends who are willing to accept them as they change. Unfortunately that is not always the case. There is no solution for it either. Sure it would be absolutely fabulous if we could avoid the leering stares, and the pink slips when we make the big announcement; but that isn't the real world. All of this emotional pain and physical suffering does have a huge reward though. Yes there is a super bright light at the end of the tunnel for us. Every woman on this site who is touched by David's act of bravery understands truly what it's like when we decide to become something better than what we once were. We can understand the sacrifice and the monumental achievement of our sisters who have made it. In addition we can appreciate what all women must go through and the inner courage they have. We have the courage and dedication to become what we desire most. We brave all of these inherent dangers to become something magnificent.
They say all the world is a stage, and if it is then we are up there with the spot lights on us. An angry mob eager, ready and very willing to throw tomatoes at us. Yet despite all of this we dance, we sing, we rejoice in our choice to become who we really are. How many times in your life have you met someone with that much determination, that much courage? Each night I go out, I see women who are willing to step forward, women who are willing and unafraid to be themselves. Goliath will always be there though, he will always mock us and he will forever curse us. How often do things like this happen in our lives, the giant admonishing those perceived to have less stature? In our community it's always occurring. For every man out there that treats a girl poorly, for those that stand her up, for you who are just looking for your cheap thrill; I am making a stand right here. I will be their champion!
From the very moment we decide to begin, that one single decision to change that will alter our lives forever. We are on a path to becoming the champion of somebody else. At that moment we are no longer willing to hide in the shadows unnoticed. Each of us steps from behind the curtain, we glide onto life's grand stage. WE dance alone, all by ourselves. We step forward willingly and defiantly to face down a legion of those who dislike us or do not condone our choice. Our strength, our bravery, our perseverance in the face of difficulty is just a few of the many things that makes us incredible women. Do we long to be desired for our beauty and feminine wiles? Absolutely! Do we crave adulation, attention, and appreciation? Definitely! However we do not need nor want the attention of the craven or the sleazy. For those of you who desire us, long to explore the wonders that we hold, you had better be fearless, confident and brave. We definitely are.
On the dance floor of Tokyo or down in London town we go go. With the record selection with the mirrors reflection I'm dancing with myself. When there's no-one else in sight in the crowded lonely night I'm dancing with myself. Well there's nothing to lose, and I have nothing to prove I'm just dancing with myself. Yes each of us has to dance all alone with the entire world watching every delightful move we make, and each very painful foolish mistake.
Yes gentlemen, here I am, an entertainer, a model, a businesswoman, perhaps someday even a wife and mother. The lights are on and the show has ended. As I casually sit here relaxing for a moment I can really appreciate being able to watch the succession of beautiful and incredibly talented women pour their souls out to the crowd. They danced, they gyrated, they connected to the crowd, they were and are brilliant shining examples of courageous women. Courtney, Lindsey, Chanel, Skye, Montana, Wheezy, Onyx, and yours truly. That fella's is courage, that is perseverance in the face of our own personal Goliath. I can only assume most of my readers are other women here, but I trust that there is a small audience of men who will often peruse my missives adroitly. For the men who do, ask me again why on earth I should ever even consider wasting my extremely valuable time and effort on you who are so afraid to face a real challenge.
I can almost see the expression on Saul's face now as he looked at this little boy who had the courage that he and all the soldiers in his army lacked. What a complete shock it must have been knowing that the fearsome Goliath was slain by a small boy with a just a rock. As I think about that story and the relevancy it has to women like us I can definitely see the connection. We all start out as scared little boys and become champions who have defeated our own personal Goliath.
Guys, the aforementioned is a real profile of courage. We are wonderful and brave women who were willing to endure the ensuing battle. So the next time you act like a jerk, or you expect us to just eagerly submit to your carnal lust don't ever forget there is a depth to us beyond that big hair and those high heels. Even though you may have the armor, or you might have a huge army, you may even feel pretty tough or even courageous when you approach us;
Always remember, I may be just a little girl dancing with myself, seductively swaying without a care, but I have a rock.....
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