How I Came Out to My Wife
In April of this year I made the decision to come out to my wife. It wasn't an easy decision. I had thought about it hundreds of times over the years but never had the nerve to tell her. I couldn't because I was so afraid I would lose her. Finally, something happened that forced me to take action.
I was travelling on business almost every week (Thursday through Saturday) to Austin, Houston or San Antonio. When I came home on Saturday evening I was totally exhausted. I would usually grab a beer, sit on the couch and fall asleep while watching TV. Our sex life was basically non-existent. We made love maybe a couple of times a month. Because of my apparent lack of interest my wife became suspicious that I was having an affair with another woman. She asked me two or three times if I was and I denied it each time. I had to do something because I could tell that it was really bothering her and I was really felt that she was going to leave me.
What she didn't know was that I was having an affair with another woman, me.
I was dressing up and going out just about every week when I traveled on business. I didn't always go out but the frequency was increasing. I would stay out until early in the morning, go back to my hotel and crash for a couple of hours , get up (sometimes I would stay up all night) and work all day then drive three of four hours home. The long hours, lack of sleep and guilt from the deception was getting to me. You can't imagine how difficult it is mentally and physically to live two separate lives, to keep all those plates spinning.
Now I had a number of good reasons to tell her:
1. It was the right thing to do and I really wanted to.
2. I just couldn't keep hiding it. Physically and mentally it was killing me.
3. If I didn't tell her she was likely to leave me anyway.
So how do I tell her? I went on a number of TG related forums, groups and chat rooms seeking advice on whether or not I should tell her and if I did how to do it.
The advice was very mixed. Most said not to tell her because she would most likely not accept it and tell me to stop. If I didn't stop then she would probably leave me. Others said that she might tolerate it but would limit my activity to just dressing at home in private. No one really gave me much hope that she would embrace it. Everyone said that I had to tell her no matter what the outcome might be. The one thing I did know was whether she accepted it or not there would be no way she would let me go out alone or continue to dress when I traveled. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that my freedom was going to be gone.
The conclusion I came to was that I had no choice but to tell her. I had to come totally clean with my wife. Almost everyone gave me one word of warning. DO NOT OVERWHELM HER WITH TOO, MUCH TOO QUICK. The advice was to take it very slow, let her steer the ship, ask the questions, etc.
Once I had made the decision I posted this ìcoming outî letter on a TG group website:
Saturday, April 18th 2009 - My Story
I am writing this story because I want a new start with my wife fully involved in every aspect of my life, including my dressing. I don't want to hide anything from her anymore. No more lies. No more hiding. No more infidelity. No more shame. From now on everything is going to be different.
I met my wife Christy when she was 15. I was a couple of years older. From the first minute I saw her I loved her. It was absolutely love at first sight. We have known each other for 25 years now and have been married for 23. We have a wonderful family together. She is my wife, my lover and my best friend and I want her to be so for the rest of my life. I truly cannot live without her.
†The fact that I love her so much and need her so badly has been a true blessing and also a tremendous burden. It was a burden because I had so many secrets that I wanted to share with her but couldn't because I was so afraid I would lose her. I knew that I could never replace her and my life would end if she left me. I've wanted to tell her about this for years but couldn't.
After all, how do you decide which day is the best day to drive a dagger through the heart of the one you love?
I've been dressing off and on since I was about 12. Initially it was only pantyhose. As I got older it became panties, bras, lingerie, etc. Whenever I had the opportunity, I would run out and buy something, wear it once, then toss it. For years I felt that I was bad, sick, perverted, a sinner, etc. I didn't know why I was like this and I did everything I could to stop but it wouldn't go away. I thought about dressing all the time. That happened off and on until about a year and a half ago. I started traveling regularly on business to Austin, Houston and San Antonio so the opportunities to dress increased. I didn't dress every time I went out of town but it grew more and more frequent as time went on.
I started off buying really slutty lingerie. I would wear it once and throw it out. I wouldn't dress for a while then I'd go out and buy something else and throw it away. I think this is a binging and purging process like a lot of alcoholics or people with eating disorders go through. You fight the need, then you give in, then you binge, then you feel shame, then you purge, then you fight the need, then the processes starts over again.
Eventually, I even started to question my own sexuality. At one point I thought that I might be gay. I even had a sexual encounter with a man. I found out that I did enjoy some aspects of it. I liked being fem. I enjoyed being the submissive one in the relationship, being slightly dominated, etc. But I realized that I didn't find him (or any other man for that matter) attractive...at least I don't really prefer men sexually. Now I would be lying if I didn't admit that I find some men are very good looking or that a guy with a really nice body isn't hot. I didn't want to be with a man but I wanted to be the woman. I know it sounds a little confusing and I guess it is. I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't have an emotional relationship with a man.
About a year and a half ago my wife asked me if I was having sex with someone else. I said yes. I told her that I had a sexual encounter with a man. I explained that it was because I had the desire to express my female side and be the submissive in the relationship. I also told her about my cross dressing from the time I was about 12. I didn't get into any details at the time. Just the infidelity, the fact it was with a man and that I had cross dressed in the past was a lot to handle.
As you can imagine she didn't take it very well at first. I certainly don't blame her. At that point I was sure I was going to lose her. It took a lot of work and talking but we worked it out. She said she did understand that I was different and that was one of the reasons she had married me.
After the encounter with the guy my dressing continued to progress. I didn't know where it was going. There was no plan. But it just kept growing and growing.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I really made a major mistake at this point that I'm not proud of. I didn't continue the openly communicate with my wife. If at this point if I would have taken the opportunity to be totally honest with her and share all my thoughts and desires things would have been a lot better and easier. It wasn't intentional but I wove a very tangled web that continued to get more and more elaborate. One important word of advice that I can give to anyone out there is if a door opens to be honest with your spouse about your dressing take advantage of it.
Everything changed when I bought my first pair of high heels. They were kind of expensive and I knew I couldn't afford to just throw them out like I had the cheap lingerie. So I had to find some place to keep them. At that point I started ìcollectingî stuff. Once I started keeping my heels, lingerie, etc. It opened me up to building my new persona as a female. I slowly added to my collection. I eventually bought a wig and then some makeup. Buying the makeup was the hardest thing I had ever done. It is amazing how little guys know about makeup, what you need and how to apply it, etc.
When I put my wig and makeup on for the first time I was amazed. It didn't even look like me. I didn't look like a man in a pair of panties, I looked like a woman. A rush of emotion poured over me. I felt like a woman. My mannerisms and everything changed. It was totally different. That process or transformation really hit me. I know you girls know what I'm talking about but I just want to express my thoughts so those that are trying to find their way might benefit from it.
Eventually, dressing in full makeup and wigs and stuff made me have a strong desire to go out in public dressed. This was something that was always private. I hadn't shared it with anyone. I now realized that I wanted to stop hiding it.
It was really scary and probably never would have ventured out by myself. I found a really sweet TG from San Antonio that agreed to take me out to some clubs if I was in town. I called her one night. She wasn't dressed but agreed to go out with me anyway...in guy mode. I got dressed in my panties and bra and she came over and helped me touch up my makeup...picked out some clothes, etc.
I was really worried about walking out of the hotel dressed. But she helped me tremendously. We got on the elevator; she gave me some words of encouragement. ..just be confident... just be yourself...you'll be fine, etc. I strolled out of the hotel like I was a movie star. I got a few looks and even some nice smiles but didn't get the impression that anyone was "freaked out" by me.
We got in the car and drove to a gay dance club in San Antonio that does drag shows and stuff. It was definitely a crowd that wouldn't be surprised to see me. We got a drink, sat and watched the drag shows and danced for a little while. It was very thrilling and I felt so free. Free of the burden of keeping this side of me private and to myself. I wasn't looking to "hook-up" with anyone that night. It wasn't about sex or anything. Just about enjoying the evening and expressing my fem side. She constantly coached me on what to do and how to act, how to sit, how to walk, etc. There was a lot to learn.
That experience really was a major event for me. I started to reach out to others that were like me and started getting to know some really incredible people. I made friends and went out in San Antonio, Austin and of course Houston where I had a chance to meet a number of you. I have come to realize that I'm not alone out there. There are many, many people just like me that are facing the same challenges.
Some of you have been incredibly helpful in my life and have given good advice that led me to a difficult, but proper decision. I have no choice but to tell her. I finally got the nerve to start slowly explaining my lifelong secret in detail.
Sunday, April 19th 2009 - Today I Came Out to My Wife, Again
We were lying in bed ad I just told her. I told her that I needed to talk to her about some things. I was having some sexual performance issues. It wasn't just with her, it was really overall issues. I was feeling like my body was changing. Thought maybe I was going through a combination of gender issues and actual chemical changes based on my age. I thought that Viagra or something might help. I mentioned these feelings and issues to her and then got into more detail about my dressing in the past. Based on the advice I got, especially from one wife of a cross dresser, I just kept it very vague so I wouldn't dump too much on her too fast. I told her that we would continue to talk about it and maybe I would even write my thoughts and feelings down for her to read, to help both of us understand it better.
Telling her lifted a huge burden off my back. My ìperformance issuesî immediately disappeared. I guess that the stress was just too much for me and it spilled over into our sex life.
Although a big burden had been lifted an even greater one got added. The next week I asked everyone I could find a lot of questions about how to fill in more gaps and how to slowly unveil everything to her. I realized there was going to be no easy way to really tell her the entire truth. What if she asked too many questions? What if she asked me if I wear makeup? What if she asks me if I've gone out dressed? What if? What if? What if? More and more questions came up and more and more fear crept in.
Another issue was that she was going to Florida for a week and I wouldn't be able to talk to her in person for a while. I didn't want her to go crazy worrying about it while out of town.
One thing was sure. The horses were out of the barn and I wasn't going to close that door again. I had to do something to keep the dialog open and continue to explain who and what I am to her in a way that she could easily digest. Whether it went good or bad I had to come totally clean with her.
I guess we do our best communicating in bed because the next Sunday morning we started talking in more detail about it. I answered her questions and slowly filled in a few more details. I told her that I was dressing now, not just in the past and that I had a stash of clothes that I kept. She asked me where they were. I usually keep them at my office but I brought most of them home with me in case she asked. I wanted to be prepared to share it with her if she wanted me to. She asked if she could see them. I brought them out and slowly went through them with her. Unfortunately, most of what I brought home was more on the slutty side. I didn't think about it but it looked pretty bad. I told her I only wore that stuff in private. She was amazingly accepting of it. I'm not going to kiss and tell but I think she was actually excited by the idea of it. It looked like everything was going to progress slowly and smoothly. I could be totally honest with her and she would ìlearnî to accept me for who I really am.
We had a great day of shopping with our daughters. I splurged a little and bought them some new clothes. We had a wonderful day. My wife and I would hold hands and hug each other and occasionally give each other a little knowing glance. It was one of the best days of my life.
That night we were preparing to go to sleep and we started talking about it even more. I arranged for her to go to Houston with me the next weekend so we could spend some time away from our kids and really talk more, maybe even have me dress in front of her, maybe even go out. I guess I forgot all those words of advice and started moving things forward too fast.
She sprung the question that I was most afraid she would ask. ìHave you already gone out dressed?î she asked. I answered immediately and without any hesitation (I was determined not to lie any more), ìYesî. I thought the world was going to end. She got up and started packing her stuff. Everything that had gone so well, all my feelings of happiness, peace, everything was gone with one honest answer.
I felt for sure that it was over. I begged her to not leave. I literally got down on my hands and knees, crying like a little baby, begging her to stay. She wouldn't respond. She kept asking me, ìWhy did you do it, why did you do it, why did you do itî? I threw myself to my knees and knelt at the end of the bed and just cried. If it had been 10 years ago I would have gone over and grabbed her and physically held her down or something but now I'm different.
I wasn't going to force her to stay. I couldn't force her to stay. If she didn't want to be there then I had to let her go. I guess God was looking out for me because she just stopped and put her stuff down. She got into bed and I laid down by her. We talked for another hour or two until she fell asleep. I cried until I feel asleep. She didn't physically leave but I thought mentally she might have already checked out.
I should have known better. My wife is the most amazing woman in the world. I'm not just saying that. I really believe it. Monday morning she got up before me to get ready for work. I wasn't going to say anything to her. I knew she had to sort it out for herself. Just before she left she crawled in bed beside me and we cuddled. She let me know that she loved me and that everything was going to be ok.
Tuesday night we took a big step. Christy asked me to dress up as Allie for her, full makeup, wig, dress and shoes. I was hesitant and excited at the same time. She watched as I slowly applied the makeup. I was really nervous and didn't have a lot of time so I kinda hurried it but it turned out ok. I then put on my bra and fake boobies, some panties and then for the wig. I told her to brace herself because I think the wig really is what makes the most difference. To that point I was Alan in makeup. When I put on the wig I transformed into Allie.
She was amazed and excited. You could see it in her eyes. I threw on the dress and then my 5î heels. It was funny because she was barefooted and I towered over her. I told her that if we go out together dressed she is going to have to wear high heels too so we at least get back to our normal heights. We had a great evening that was very exciting.
As we went through the week I tried my best to follow the sound advice I had been given by many of you as well as other CDs and wives of CDs from other groups.
There were three things that were very common is all the advice:
1. Do not suppress my feelings.
2. Be totally honest with my wife.
3. Take it slow. Don't overwhelm her with too much too fast.
Oh yeah, almost all the advice ended with "good luck". :) Well, I really needed the last one.
See, I wasn't very honest with myself or my wife for quite some time. Some people would say that if your wife is really your best friend and someone you can't live without and love with all your soul there is no way you could lie to her. I felt just the opposite. I loved her so much that I was absolutely terrified that if I was honest that she would leave me. That is why I fought the desire to be honest for so long.
I should have known my wife better. I have the best wife on the planet. She is also the best mother, friend and lover too.
Since coming out to my wife we have had some ups and downs. Not everything has been smooth sailing. I've considered giving up a number of times. Overall, things are really going considerably better than I expected. Christy seams to love my feminine side. We go out regularly with friends and have a great time together. What it all comes back to is this. This part of me isn't going away. At this point I am assuming that everyone is going to accept that. We just need to do the best we can to make it work.
Christy hasn't lost a husband. She has gained a really close girlfriend. ;-)
Until next time
If you would like to suggest a topic for a future column feel free to write me through my URNotAlone Profile or email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, don't hesitate to post any comments below. I certainly appreciate any feedback and suggestions.
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