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Ask Jane

Jane Vargas, Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, writes that "we don't choose our sexuality; it chooses us." With this openness in attitude toward the infinite variations of (consensual) sexual expression, we at URNotAlone invited this Sex Doc to dispense a bit of womanly advice in an open and lively dialogue with our members. Every couple of weeks, you'll see a new Q&A or provocative rumination on the passions and longings of our CD/TV/TS Community, along with Jane's response, informed by her knowledge, experience, and womanly wiles. To "Ask Jane," you can leave a comment on any of her Q&A's or Articles. You can also e-mail her at on any sexually related topic of interest and concern to Our Community with respect to Relationships, Secrets, Family, Social Dilemmas, Identity and Self-Concept, Tips on Makeup and Girly Behavior, and anything else related that interests you. (Please note that this forum is not a substitute for serious therapy but rather a place to receive an entertaining, informed response from a woman who celebrates all manner of creative sexuality.)

Jane Vargas Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, writes "Dear Jane: Advice for Boys Who Need It Bad," for Leg Show magazine. She's been featured on HBO Real Sex, interviewed in National Magazines, has presented research on Lingerie Fetishism to a Professional Society of Sexologists, and is owner of a Xtraordinary Talk!, a business that creates and sells video and audio Fantasy Material for Panty and Lingerie Lovers, Crossdressers, and all men who are perhaps "strong by day but who need a strong woman at night". Jane is married, has two daughters, and lives in San Francisco.

We're very Excited to have Jane partner with us with her "Ask Jane" Column! Don't be shy, leave comments or questions for Jane and don't forget to feel free to contact her via her eMail at and make sure to pay her a visit at her site, Xtraordinary Talk!

Page 1 of 2 (25 Entries)

Drag Queen Royalty: San Francisco's Best Strut Their Stuff

Drag Queen Royalty: San Francisco's Best Strut Their Stuff

Mar 9, 2011 - By Chris Jensen

Don't overlook a drag queen. She didn't spend all that time in makeup to be inconspicuous. Laugh with her, sing along with her, by all means take her picture - but don't forget her. If you do, you're liable to end up with an in-box full of indignation, all in Jungle Red font.

Ask Jane, Column 22

Ask Jane, Column 22

Aug 25, 2008


Dear Darlings,

Closets: secret places where we can safely celebrate who we are.
Closets: prisons that keep us trapped, isolated, and lonely.

Are you in one? Or out? Or are you in and want to come out? Or are you out and wish you'd never cracked the door?

No easy answers …

I receive a lot of e-mail around "To tell or not to tell - that is the question."

Occasionally I receive tales of great liberation - and a far better sex life and deeper bond - after having finally admitted you l... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 21

Ask Jane, Column 21

Jul 25, 2008

URNA Community:

Greetings. I have been remiss in writing my Ask Jane column for the site and for this I apologize. I talk about transition in the letter below; I've been through a transition of another sort during the past year: a heart-breaking divorce, purchase of property of my own, falling in love anew, and a move to Barbados. Like many of your transitions, mine has been jam-packed with emotion, drama, great sadness, and renewed happiness. Please accept my apologies and my gratitude for the many notes and invitations to become Friends that you've sent me. xx Jane
... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 20

Ask Jane, Column 20

Jan 29, 2008

Deciding Not To Cross-Dress

Hi Jane,

I desperately need your help. For over 20 years I have been a closet TV. In all that time I have not needed to share this. However, I suffer tremendous guilt. I just feel it's wrong. So last year I made the decision to stop dressing. I threw away all my clothes.

However, a couple of weeks ago I couldn't resist the urge to dress. But more worrying for me is that I cannot stop thinking about getting a guy to fuck me. I have even tried to make contact. So far nothing has happened. Even although I have ve... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 19

Ask Jane, Column 19 (Dec 10, 2007)

Awash in Dopamine

Dear Jane,

Do you believe that cross-dressing can be addictive? I can't stop. I've quit dozens of times but when I do I'm always thinking about it and inevitably go back to doing it. What makes it so hard to quit?

Cravings that Never... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 18

Ask Jane, Column 18 (Nov 5, 2007)

Craving T-Girls

Dear Jane,

It's so great to see an advice area. I recently joined urnotalone, and would love to get your advice. I am a part time cross dresser, married. She found out, and after some long talks, decided to stay together. She has accepted this side, ... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 17

Ask Jane, Column 17 (Oct 3, 2007)

Dear Jane,

I'm a glaring example of why it may be better not to tell your wife. Two weeks ago I went to another city to be with my friends from URNA for their monthly gathering. Sunday afternoon when I got home I thought my excuse was going to fall apart so rather tha... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 16

Ask Jane, Column 16 (Jul 20, 2007)

I thank all of you who were so kind to respond to my query about crossdressers' wives' fears. I am still in the midst of research on this topic, so don't hesitate to contact me if you have something to add. In the meantime, here's a new column:

Her 4-Year-Old Son Prefers Dresses

Ask Jane, A Request from Jane

Ask Jane, A Request from Jane (Jul 15, 2007)

A Notice to All CDs: Would You Help Me, Please?

Greetings and happy summer! I write you from beautiful Barbados ... a long way from this Colorado girl's roots.

I would like to ask a favor of you.

Would you be willing to share your experiences with me... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 15

Ask Jane, Column 15 (Jul 1, 2007)

Can Hypnosis Help?

Hi Jane,

First, I want to say that I am one of your most dearest fans, and love how you support the crossdressing community.

I just read a letter to you from a crossdresser who inquired about self-hypnosis to embody their femininity. I... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 14

Ask Jane, Column 14 (Jun 6, 2007)

He Wants to Suck Another CD's Penis

Hi Jane,

I've been a huge fan of yours for a long time and was even one of the participants in your "Lingerie Fetish Research" a few years ago; I truly enjoyed the experience of discussing the subject with you.

I have ... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 13

Ask Jane, Column 13 (Apr 9, 2007)

Dear Jane,

I am a young transvestite who is only able to dress on a part-time basis. This is because my previous girl friend was against my dressing and right now I live at home with a family that is not very accepting.

I have read about feminine hypnosis a few times bu... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 12

Ask Jane, Column 12 (Feb 24, 2007)

The Bizarre Desire to Iron

Hi, Jane,

What is it about men who cross-dress? How would you judge them?

I am a cross-dresser. I dress in my wife's lingerie then do the ironing. She thinks I am a sick man. What do you think?

<... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 11

Ask Jane, Column 11 (Jan 29, 2007)

Sharing Secrets With Family


I want to be honest with my son and tell him I'm a cross-dresser. I have been honest with him all of his life except in this one area. I feel his not knowing creates a wall between us. I would tell his girlfriend as well. In additio... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 10

Ask Jane, Column 10 (Dec 30, 2006)

He Loves his Wife but T-Girls Scratch His Itch

Dear Jane,

I am 26 years old. I got married last June; before that I was with my wife for about 3 years. I cheated on her many times with t-girls. I have been aroused by men who look like women since I was 17 or 18. I had m... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 9

Ask Jane, Column 9 (Nov 19, 2006)

Isolated No More ... Out with the Girls

Photo: Eve, Jane, and Miranda, taken by Jamie.


Hi. I'm 17. I don't know if I'm a transvestite or not. I was wondering if you could help me answer this?

Dear URNA Friends,

I delete... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 8

Ask Jane, Column 8 (Oct 27, 2006)

A Note to All: I will be at the Exotic Erotic convention in San Francisco Friday afternoon, Oct. 27, from 2 to 6 p.m., manning ("womanning?") the booth for the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. If you're there, please come by and introduce yourself to me. I'd love to meet you! ... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 7

Ask Jane, Column 7 (Oct 2, 2006)

Dear Jane,

When I go to my favorite lingerie shop today, I am going to purposely hold the panties up to my body, so everyone in the store knows that I really am a woman. They have a large panty section with my favorite types: string thongs, g-strings, string bikinis and very eroticall... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 6

Ask Jane, Column 6 (Sep 18, 2006)

Hi Jane,

I am so glad that you joined URNOTALONE. I am a lifelong cross dresser, late fifties, with strong TS tendencies. I am an ex-military officer, work now for a large firm, and married to a wonderful woman who lets me dress as I need to. I wear panties daily, sometimes pantyhose... [more]

Ask Jane, Column 5

Ask Jane, Column 5 (Sep 1, 2006)

Ask Jane: Paying a Horrible Price for Crossdressing


My wife of almost seven years decided we might be happier if we divorced so I can crossdress whenever I want to. I am sick at my stomach about it because other than checking my e-mail and chatting on URNA once i... [more]

Page 1 of 2 (25 Entries)


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